clair072

I am pissed. I don't understand what is so hard for my mother to understand. Last night she asked if I was ever going to hang out with my cousin and his wife who just had a baby. I barely know these people. Yes, I went to their wedding last year, but I've seen my cousin two or three times in the last ten years. They live far away in another state. I wish them well and I'm happy for them, but, no, that is not a relationship I'm going to cultivate at this time. I told my mother, "No, not any time soon." Then she said, "Well, I lost my mother, but I still hang out with other people who have their mothers." Are you kidding me?? That's not even the same thing at all. And that's what I told her. I said, "The two situations are not even comparable. You had your mother in your life and you have lots of happy memories with her. She lived a full life and died in her 80s which is quite normal." I continued, "I am feeling judged right now....

Fifteen years ago I would have never skipped a friend's party. But times have changed and so have the parties. Last weekend one of my best friends from high school had a 1st birthday party for her second child and I was invited. I didn't go. I love this friend and she has been more compassionate and understanding than most, but I can't say the same about her friends. When I went to her first child's 1st birthday party, every conversation basically went as follows.      Me: Hi, I'm Phoenix.      Other Person: Hi, I'm Myrtle. How do you know Awesome Friend? We work together/have play      dates together/went to prenatal yoga together/are in the neighborhood moms group together.      Me: Oh, I've known Awesome Friend since we were 17. Isn't she the best?      Other Person: Yes! So which kid is yours?      Me: Oh, I don't have kids.      Awkward silence... (Because there's absolutely not...

I do not miss trying to conceive. That was my first thought when I woke up this morning. I do not miss charting my cycle. I do not miss taking my temperature every morning. I do not miss trying to time sex. I do not miss recording when we had sex. I do not miss observing potential signs of pregnancy. (My boobs are extra sore. Does that mean something??) I do not miss trying to analyze my cervical fluid. (Honestly, I could barely stand to even write that sentence down just now.) I do not miss questioning everything I eat or drink. (Is sushi okay? Can I have a third beer even though I'm in my two week wait? Am I eating too much sugar? Am I consuming too much dairy? Am I not eating enough leafy greens? Is it okay to have a second cup of coffee?) I do not miss taking 15 - 20 different vitamins and supplements every day. I do not miss worrying if I am exercising too much or exercising too little. I do not miss reading TTC boards on the internet. I do not miss reading books tha...

What's that saying? When you're going through shit, keep going... I am really not loving my current reality. I feel like a teenager writing this, but I really hate school. It's too bad. I've always liked school in the past. But this program... It's very disorganized and demanding, and none of the assignments are clear. I am mad that it is killing the spirit of my classmates. Everyone came in very enthusiastic and excited, but that is all gone now. Luckily, we are a special class and we all really care about each other so we will get through this together. It's just personally annoying because I feel like I already "wasted" so much time with infertility and failed treatments with nothing to show for it. And now I am in this program, working hard and desperately waiting for graduation in a couple of years. By the end of it all, I will have spent seven years not really enjoying my life and that saddens me. Of course, I am thankful for the opportunity to g...

Yesterday I felt supported, and it felt good. First, I went to my second counseling session with the counselor that works at my school. Dang, did I get lucky. She is good!! I have no idea what her political views are and whether or not she has children because she is able to put it all aside and just listen to me. I mean, that's what any professional should do but it's easier said than done. She provided me validation and, my favorite, put things into words that I had been previously unable to do. I told her I wanted to keep working hard on my recovery because I want to go into pediatrics after I graduate. So I will need to be able to deal with parents and all of their parenting comments. I don't feel raw like I did two years ago, but I'm still wounded. I might always be, I might not. But I feel confident that I can get to a place where I can serve children and their families, because I freaking love kids!! Kids and I are drawn to each other, but I will save that for an...

Yesterday I had to give a presentation in class. It was over one of the many neurodegenerative diseases: risk factors, signs & symptoms, treatment, etc. I'm having a hard time getting into this semester, so I didn't prepare what I was going to say. The only thing I planned was I planned on winging it. I had the factual information already documented in my presentation, and I figured I would just go over the facts with my classmates. But before I knew what was coming out of my mouth, I got on my (professional-sounding) soapbox. I told my classmates that once we graduate and are out in the field working with our patients that we need to be mindful of what we say to them. I said our future patients will be dealing with life-altering traumas and we need to respect that. I said they will have friends check on them for a week or two, or a month or two, but after that everyone goes on with their own lives. I said our patients may be lonely, bored, sad, and frustrated. I told my cl...

It's so nice to have friends again. Infertility was devastating enough, but to feel like I was losing the majority of my friendships took it to another level. I was so hurt, sad, and lonely. I understand that, when going through infertility, friendships with people who have children will change. They just don't get it and it's not really their fault. They are busy with play dates and birthday parties, and I just wasn't on their radar screen anymore. But it still hurt. There was one friend, a very very close friend. I went to her baby shower. I went to her kid's birthday parties from age one to five. I confided in her during my IVFs. She knew, or I thought she knew, how important her kid was to me. I was looking forward to her kid's sixth birthday, bought a couple of presents and everything. Then I saw pictures of the birthday party on social media. I wasn't invited. Because I wasn't a mom. Crushed was an understatement. My husband stays pretty rational i...