clair072

Last week I had my first clinical rotation. I cannot even begin to describe how awesome it was!! As much as I hate school, I know I am on the right path with my new career. I can barely wait to graduate and get out into the work force. Oh the work force... I am thankful every day for how far I've come in my recovery from infertility. After the first day of my clinical rotation I came home and told my husband, "I would NOT have been able to do this a year ago." Dang, people talk about their kids all the time!!! I was mentally prepared for being around a bunch of women all day and that there would be a lot of conversation centered around their children, but even with my foresight, I was still surprised. I did fine though. I didn't get sad or depressed. I listened a little and tuned out a little. One woman had just returned from maternity leave. I asked her baby's name, because I've always had an interest in what people name their children. But I was conveniently...

Two years ago today my life changed forever. Two years ago today my final IVF did not result in pregnancy. Two years ago today I knew it was over. Two years ago today I lost my children. Since then I have completely changed my life. Not, my life has completely changed. That doesn't give me enough credit. Because I had to do it. I had to do all the work. I had to climb out of the deep, dark pit I was in. I had to move out of my children's house, fix it up, put it on the market, and sell it. I had to find a place to move to, pack up all my stuff, and coordinate the movers. I had to box up all the stuff in the nursery and put it in storage because I couldn't deal with it yet. I had to figure out what I was going to do with my life. I decided to change careers. I had to navigate the school application process, take all the prerequisite courses, arrange my               observation hours, track down letters of recommendation, write an essay, take the GRE. ...

I had a great Spring Break. Nothing was planned, but I ended up meeting with friends for lunch every day. From a childfree not by choice (CFNBC) perspective, I found things to be particularly interesting. My first lunch was with my friend, a former co-worker, who is 12 years older than me. Her two kids are grown (ages 19 and 21) but will still be financially dependent for several more years. I have known her kids since they were 5 and 7. Wow, time flies. I enjoyed getting caught up on her life and catching her up on mine. She knows what all I've been through over the past several years. She said I looked happier and healthier than I've seemed in years. She was so happy for me. She is parenting young adults in her early 50s. I asked her if she would want to be parenting teenagers in her late 50s and, without hesitation, she said "No!" Me neither. If others want to do that, that's totally fine. But my husband and I are moving on. Our window for parenting has passed....

I'm on Spring Break, which is something I never thought I would experience as a student again. But, here I am in my late 30s with a week off from life. Of course, life never really stops, so I'm trying to use my time wisely. Go to the doctor, take the car in, meet a friend for lunch... I'm thankful for this time, but I am also pretty bored. I'm in a better head space than I was over winter break and last summer and the years preceding going back to school. But honestly, I still need to stay busy. Having a lot of free time to myself, I am still letting my mind wander a little too much... Which brings me to today's post. I apologize if I've written about this before. I think sometimes I repeat myself here on this blog (and definitely in real life- just ask my husband hahaha), but I'm what I call a "verbal processor" so sometimes it takes me a couple of times of rehashing something before I'm able to glean some helpful points and then do my best t...

I'm skipping another party today. This one is for a gender reveal party. I can't stand the idea of a gender reveal party. First of all, to be more accurate, they should be called sex reveal parties. Gender is a social construct. Sex refers to anatomy. Second of all, it kills me that people start gender socialization before the baby is even born. At least with this friend I could joke about it. When she told me she was pregnant, she told me in the funniest and most thoughtful way. She knows about my infertility and lifelong desire to have children, and I will always be grateful for how she shared her news of pregnancy with me. In fact, I noticed that she told me before she announced on social media. A little consideration goes a long way. When she invited me to her gender reveal party, I told her it should be called a sex reveal party. She agreed but said she didn't feel comfortable inviting her friends and family to her baby's "genital reveal party" so she wa...

Well, I've got a midterm later today that I haven't yet studied for because I've been so busy with class and assignments. And then another midterm tomorrow. I feel short on time... So of course I'm going to log in and jot down a quick post. :) I feel like I am getting closer to resolution. I know I will still have my ups and downs. I know I am still grieving. But I also know that I like my life now. I like what I'm doing and I like who is in it. I am excited when I think about the future. I don't take any of this for granted for even a second. I know how hard I've worked to get to this point. The counselor at school asked me a good question. She asked, "What has been most helpful for you in your grieving process?" And I immediately listed off three things. I will share them with you now, in case they can help anyone else. 1. Selling my children's home      It was time to go. That house, that neighborhood, that location- it was all meant for a d...

Infertility almost broke me. It wore me down and eroded away my self-esteem, my self-confidence, and my belief that anything was ever going to work out again. I couldn't get pregnant. I couldn't "get over it." My friendships were disappearing. My house was falling apart. I was sleeping too much and eating too little. I was incapable of making the smallest decision. I was unable to enjoy what I did have in life. And I absolutely could not envision any kind of future for myself. I've written everything in this paragraph before, but when my fifth fertility treatment did not result in pregnancy (3 IUIs & 2 IVFs), I knew I was done. It was time to figure out how to climb out of my deep, dark, and lonely well. But first I took a week to just cry and stare at the wall. After that I decided to move. I could no longer live in the house I bought for my children. By chance, I saw a video that inspired me and I decided to apply to graduate school. I got in, we moved, we s...