clair072

Touching base... Some rambling thoughts... I've had several different ideas swirling around in my mind all week. I've also been doing what I need to do, just fighting through exhaustion. No matter what we're all doing, we can all relate to that. I'm not doing the whole "take pride in being busy" idea, but, yeah, I'm happy to have things going on. After so many years of... waiting, hoping, planning, and waiting... I don't mind being busy. Anyway. I'm rambling. Usually, when it comes to this blog, I just think something and type a few things out. Might as well, before I judge myself, right? I mean, I'm not the only one to have the thoughts I have. So might as well put them out there so other people can be like, oh good I'm not the only one. :) I read blogs for yearsss and never commented. I could totally relate, but I didn't grow up with the internet and wasn't totally comfortable commenting. And here I am with a 6+ month old blog... ...

I've been so angry for the last couple of weeks. I don't really like anger. It doesn't feel good, and it's kind of exhausting. But school is full of so much busy work! I strongly believe you are never too old to go back to school, but I also often think, "I'm too old for this." Some of the assignments and projects have no professional value, yet they are tedious and a complete waste of my time. So that's part of it. But when I'm feeling angry for a sustained period of time, I try to think about what it's really about. Five years ago this month my husband and I stopped using contraception. Oh... That... The body never seems to forget. I thought I'd get pregnant. I thought I'd have a baby. I thought I would be raising a child by now. So I'm just doing the best I can. Trying to get my work done, trying to take care of myself. Definitely making sure I eat and get plenty of rest. I know life is hard, whether you're working and/or goi...

I wish everyone who wanted to get pregnant and have a baby could get pregnant and have a baby. Just two weeks ago I learned about a friend who was pregnant from IVF. I was sad for myself but happy for her. Today I found out a different friend was not pregnant from IVF. I was sad for myself and sad for her. She has many more embryos left in storage, so she is staying on the fertility treatment roller coaster for now. I hope it works out for her. I hope it doesn't all come at too high of a cost. And anyone who has tried fertility treatments knows the cost isn't just financial. I hate IVF. I'm glad it works for some people, but I wish it worked for everyone. I wish we were told that it actually doesn't work over 70% of the time. This is such a rarely known fact. I'm glad I made the decision to move on. The waiting and hoping and the devastation and trauma of trying to conceive was too much for me. I'm sad that I'm not a mom and not raising a child, but I'm ...

I missed my first class in this program. I felt really proud about my perfect attendance so far because I've never had perfect attendance in anything in my life. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted haha. Self-care above all else. One of my classes is discussion-based. Each week everyone reads the same research article and then one person leads the small group in a discussion. Last week I sat down to prepare for that week's article. It was about motherhood. Oh shit... I started reading. Within the first paragraph the article started talking about how motherhood brings meaning to women's lives. Fresh off a recent pregnancy announcement where a good friend's IVF had worked, I immediately started crying. Oh hell no. There is no way I'm going to this class. I can't even get through the article. I tried again and immediately thought, Why am I doing this to myself? Who freaking cares?? So I stopped reading. I cannot even tell you the relevance of this article to the c...

It has happened again. Another friend is pregnant. Complete with a cute photograph shared on social media and accompanied by 500+ "Likes." Again, I am happy for her. I really, truly am. This woman is a special person who makes everyone she meets feel good. She has struggled to get pregnant for years and has had many surgeries to make her body hospitable to pregnancy. But. But... I lost it. I hadn't cried over an announcement in a seemingly long time. I have begun to realize that other people's lives are separate from mine, that I've got my own thing going on and I am moving on. But this announcement still made me sad for myself. Why does IVF work for other people but it didn't work for me??? I am proud of myself. I didn't read the comments. I knew they would hurt me. Lots of: -No one deserves it more than you -God has blessed you with life's most precious gift -Welcome to motherhood, it's the greatest thing ever and more comments of that nature, I...