clair072

Seriously? On Tuesday it's gonna be August 1st already? Of 2017?? How. When I first heard the saying, "The days are long but the years are short," I didn't understand it. I do now. In less than two weeks I will finish this summer semester. That means I will have finished one whole year of school. I can barely believe it. I can barely believe any of it. I never got pregnant. None of the dietary changes, vitamins, supplements, or acupuncture worked. None of the fertility treatments succeeded. I spent four months applying to graduate school. I gave away half my stuff. I sold my house. I went back to school. And now I have finished a year. All I know is when that last IVF did not result in pregnancy, I was spent. I had nothing left. I had spent three years of my life trying to have children (it felt like a decade) and I felt like I had nothing to show for it. I promised myself that I wouldn't be sitting in the same chair in the same house doing the same thing three ye...

With all of the progress I'm making in my recovery from infertility, I'm still avoiding babies. And toddlers. And my friends and family that are parents to babies and toddlers. And pregnancies. And newborns. It's just too awkward for me. And sad still. Maybe it won't hurt as much with the passing of time. I'm curious how I'll feel in my 40s. As I grow into the idea that I will not be parenting in this lifetime. As I grow older and know that the children I would've had would also be growing older. As people ask me less and less when I'm having children.  As it becomes less expected by society that I will even have children. In ten years, will being around 14 year olds bother me? Maybe, maybe not. Will babies and toddlers still tug at my yearning? I don't know. If I had to guess, I think a part of me will always be a little sad for what's been lost, all the memories and moments and opportunities. I really do like all ages of the human lifespan. And...

I had to read an article about resilience and adversity the other day. Of course, there was no mention of infertility at all even though nearly everything in the article could relate to it. The author talked about trauma and coping strategies and implications for practice in the medical field. I was dreading doing the assignment, and then the article actually ended up being interesting haha. It's so nice when that happens. The article covered so many themes: extreme life events are threatening loss of one's identity psychological stress due to culture's definitions of what is valuable being in limbo (those with chronic illness) the power of social support. But one of the most relevant parts was when the author discussed the phases of resilience. I'm paraphrasing but here's the idea real quick. First, there is an acute phase, when all of one's energy is going to the situation. Then there is the reorganization phase, when one begins to accept the new reality. And ...

In contrast to my constant frustration with waiting for my new planned-for future to arrive (and, yes, the idea of planning anything ever will always be incredibly eye rolling for me) is my ever-present gratitude for what so many refer to as The Present Moment. I mean, it IS all we ever have. When did Oprah start telling us to keep gratitude journals? Hold on, I'm gonna search that... Oh, 1996. Even earlier than I thought. Well, I didn't try the idea until late 2008. At the time I was very unsure of what was going on in my life- where I was, what I was doing. Hmmm, sounds familiar. I wanted to refocus my mind on the positive things I had so I started a gratitude journal. I wrote often at first, always thankful for my health and loved ones. Then I just wrote every couple of weeks or so. Then every couple of months. But I always wrote. Even if I forgot for awhile. I would remember and come back and jot down a few things I was thankful for. And, well, basically, what I want to sha...

I know that ultimately everything in life is temporary. We are all born and we all die. The days are long but the years are short. I know all this. But I still have to/get to experience the daily realities of my life. And my life, for over the last five years, has been full of waiting. The waiting throughout infertility is almost unbearable. Well, because at first, I didn't know I was infertile. So I temped and charted and tried to get pregnant for two years. By then, I figured there was a problem. Actually, I knew there was a problem only 7 months in when I got my AMH results back. But I figured I was subfertile, not sterile, that I would get pregnant and have a baby if I just stayed patient. Then I spent almost a year working with my doctor, whom I loved. But I still didn't get pregnant. Then I spent another year hoping I would be one of those stories who, after all the years and all the treatments didn't work, miraculously got pregnant. Oh gawd, that was a lot of waiting...

Heck yeah, I just had a damn good weekend! I saw one of my best friends on Friday and we got to hang out for a long time. A yoga class turned into lunch turned into good conversation for hours on the deck in her backyard. Then I came home and somehow talked my husband into going to get dessert with me! He doesn't have a sweet tooth like I do so I was surprised he was up for my little adventure. On Saturday one of his friends came over for awhile. Nice weather, great conversation. And today. Nothing significant. But very peaceful and satisfying. Slept in but not too late. Went for a long 4-mile walk outside. Completed an assignment at a leisurely pace. Ate awesome leftovers. I hate that there's not as much social time in adult life compared to when we were kids. But weekends like this one sustain me. I love spending quality time with the people I love. And I love enjoying the little things. 🍰