clair072

What a difference this year has made. Not A year, but THIS year. Last year I wrote about  Halloween being the hardest day of the year for me. This year I feel very differently. I just reread last year's post and it definitely brought all of those feelings back, but that's not what I was feeling today. I just stayed busy with school and did what I had to do. This year is so different. For a little over a year now I've been plodding along in school, working my way through the coursework. I've pretty much hated it (school, not the profession and information), but I can see the end now. I can hear everyone trick-or-treating outside right now and I'm glad. Halloween is so awesome, especially when you're a kid. Maybe I'll always be sad about not getting to have and raise my children, but I can also simultaneously be excited about the new future my husband and I have planned for ourselves. 🔮

Okay, honestly, that is a rhetorical question, one I will answer at the end of this post. But I cannot count the number of times I asked myself this question while I was deep into the hardest years of my infertility. Sure, my friends with babies and kids had all moved on in their lives. While it hurt that they no longer made time for or seemed to remember me, it somewhat made sense. But what happened to my friends without kids? I am writing this post in case it helps anyone else that may be facing this issue. In particular, I had two extremely close friends without kids: two women that I had been friends with for over ten years. One was married but didn't want kids. The other was single and not trying for kids. They both knew, from the time we had met, that having children was my lifelong dream. During my darkest years, they were nowhere to be found. I felt so lonely and, honestly, sorry for myself. So, what happened? Why? I kept asking myself these questions over and over. In retr...

I was so tired yesterday that I forgot to tie in a couple of other points. I am tired of hatred. I am tired of racism. I am tired of misogyny. I am tired of gun violence. I am tired of divisiveness. I am tired of infertility. I am tired of the lack of empathy. I am tired of the loneliness it brings. I am tired of the the Martyr Mommy trope. I am tired of getting treated like crap in my school program. I am tired of my husband getting treated like crap at his job. I am tired of where we live. I am tired of what we are doing. We are too old for this. We have worked too hard. (Those last two sentences might sound entitled because there are plenty of people dealing with lots of unrelenting crap that they do not deserve. I have written a lot about what I am thankful for, but this is a post about what I am tired of.) I am so tired. And then, on top of everything else, Tom Petty died. He was/is my most favorite musician of all time. I have all of his albums and I listen to him on a weekly bas...

Wow. These past two weeks have been so busy. "Tired" is such a boring title for a post, but that is how I am honestly feeling. And this is the longest I've gone between writing posts since I started this blog a year ago. Usually, I try to post at least once a week. The first week of October I spent almost 50 (unpaid) hours in a hospital doing one of my clinical rotations. That was interesting, informative, and exhausting. The second week of October was full of exams (with more to come this week). I don't want to discourage anyone from going back to school, but this is all certainly easier when you're younger! I have missed being an active part of this community, but I have almost caught up on reading everyone's posts. :) Yes, the need for my blog is still here. I am reminded almost every day. So I will keep writing. My week at the hospital gave me a taste of the working world again. Last time I was employed was before infertility, so the next time I am employe...

Wow. A year already? I can barely believe I started a blog, much less that I started a blog one year ago. First of all, to anyone reading, THANK YOU.  Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for being in community with me and others living life without children after infertility. Like Klara at  The Next 15000 Days told me it would be, writing has been very therapeutic. Plus, it gives both my husband and my best friend a little break from listening to me process infertility. I mean, they're awesome people and they've never complained, but still...  I'd like to keep the two of them in my life and not drive them away! :) This is not an easy life to live. I still think of my children every single day. I know what their names would have been and I know how old they would be. I don't socialize with any of my former longtime friends. Our lives have gone in completely different directions. And although we are close and I get along wi...