clair072

Not Christmas. Not Mother's Day. Halloween is the hardest day of the year for me. For years I dreamed about being pregnant at Halloween. I was going to draw on a white t-shirt and have my pregnant belly go as a baseball. Silly I know. And it probably wouldn't have even looked that good. But my dad is a die hard baseball fan and it was just one of those things I always daydreamed about. I would also daydream about going to fall festivals and dressing up in costumes and going trick or treating and hosting Halloween parties for my kids. When I first started trying to get pregnant, three months had passed by the time Halloween arrived. And I was NOT a chill "it'll happen when it'll happen" kind of woman trying to get pregnant. No, once my husband agreed to try I wanted it to happen immediately. I was beyond ready. So I was very sad when it didn't happen right away. When Halloween came around I consoled myself by saying, "This time next year I'll be pr...

I survived midterms! A couple of readers asked what I was going to school for. I want to remain anonymous on the internet. Just having a blog is way outside of my comfort zone. However, as a reader of others' blogs, I always want to know more too haha. So I will share that I am in graduate school for a health care profession. And it is hard. As they all are. Becoming a doctor, nurse, physical therapist, occupational therapist, pharmacist, whatever... These programs are very demanding. But I survived midterms! But of course I did. Because I am surviving infertility. And nothing is harder than that, in my humble opinion. I mean, quite honestly, who really cares about a test when you've already lost your children? Infertility changed me. I was irreverent before, but now I'm on another level. Ha!!! My poor classmates, taking everything so seriously... Don't get me wrong. I'm taking it all seriously too. I'm showing up and doing the work. But this program is definite...

When I started this blog, I thought about whether or not I wanted to use the word "infertile" in the name or title. Am I really healing if I keep calling myself infertile? Am I moving forward or picking at the same old wound? Is being infertile central to my identity? How do I truly see myself? But, I wanted to write a blog about living life after infertility and I liked the mythology of the phoenix rising from the ashes so "Infertile Phoenix" just seemed to capture what I was going for. I mean, it's not like I walk around in my daily life with a scarlet "I" on my chest. Even though I chose to disclose my infertility with classmates two different times last week, today I chose not to do so. I came to a big decision over the weekend: I decided I want to graduate from this program, not drop out at the end of the semester. I had previously shared my ambivalence with a professor so today I said, "I have some big news!" And she immediately, joyful...

I was expecting some sort of kids-type comments from my classmates at some point, and I'm actually surprised it took this long. Maybe going to school with a bunch of younger people has its advantages haha. Child bearing is just not on most of my classmates' radar screens. Although they are not all 22 and many of them do have kids, it just hasn't come up in conversation until this week. This week I was on the receiving end of two comments.  Well, one comment and one question really. And my response was unexpected by me. I didn't know what or how I was going to say anything when asked, but I thought I was going to remain private. But I didn't and I'm pleasantly surprised by my gut reaction. The first comment was made Monday morning. We are in the middle of midterm exams and projects and a small group of us were sharing how stressed and overwhelmed we are, not knowing how we were going to get everything done. And one of my classmates said it: "At least you don...

Right as I'm sitting down to start a long day of (boring) studying, I read this quote just now: "You've already moved away from every disappointment you've ever experienced. Keep moving positively ahead." -Ralph Marston What a good reminder. I thought long and hard about school yesterday. I even cried. I questioned whether or not I am on the right path. But as much as I don't like the program I'm in, I really like the profession I am working toward joining. I am also starting to separate my New Life (going back to school) from my Old Life (trying to have kids). What I mean is I don't think "I'm only doing this because I can't have kids" every single time I go to class or sit down to work. I also went to a concert on Friday night so that helped. I really didn't have the time to step away from my schoolwork, but I also needed to feed my soul so to speak. Going to hear one of my favorite bands was probably the best decision I've ...

I've made a surprising friend in grad school. He's a guy. He's almost 13 years younger than me. And he and his wife have a ten month old baby. I started talking to him at orientation and we had a lot of things in common. I thought that was pretty cool until he mentioned something about his baby and I immediately thought, crap, well we'll see where this goes. I even came home and told my husband that I met someone cool but he had a baby so we'd see. Turns out, he's a really nice and funny guy. He doesn't talk about his kid incessantly and the few pictures of the kid he has shared with me are super cute. I even shared with him that I wanted kids badly and couldn't have them and that's what brought me to grad school.  It's a very surprising friendship. But this program is so hard, his wife is awesome, my husband is awesome, and I keep saying that, between the four of us, we WILL survive. And maybe even graduate. Yesterday I went to his house to work...

After my last fertility treatment did not result in pregnancy, I had no idea what to do. I was a shell of my former self. I had no energy, no enthusiasm, and definitely no inspiration. All I knew was that I couldn't go on living the way I was because I wasn't really living; I was walking death. So I took a week to cry and stare at the wall. One week later I decided to move. I told my husband, "We're moving. We're selling this house and we are going to live somewhere else." Fortunately, he was on board. We bought that gorgeous 4-bedroom, 3-bathroom house with two-story ceilings, lots of windows, and natural lighting for our children. It was close to his work so he could spend more time with me and the kids instead of having a long commute. It had an upstairs loft that would have made a great family room/play area. It was nearly perfect. But our children never came. And I could no longer live there. So we thought about where to go and what to do. And then I got ...

Wow, my blog is already one week old.  They grow up so fast...  ;) This blog has already proven to be a great outlet and a great way of connecting with others.  I look forward to what the future holds.  And, as a person learning to deal with the lifelong repercussions of infertility, looking toward the future with excitement is not something I take for granted! Last night I brainstormed a list of topics and wrote them down in a spiral notebook.  Hopefully, I will continue to post regularly.  On the days that I have writer's block, I'll just look at my list, pick a topic, and ramble a little. Plus, writing this blog and reading others' blogs is a great study break.  I will write about my school experience sometime, but let me just say, it has not been what I was expecting and the whole thing has been very disappointing.  But I haven't dropped out of the program (yet), and, regardless of what happens there, I am committed to creating a new life for ...

Here's a topic that I will probably write a lot about. So this is kind of like an introductory post. But, again, if I waited until I had it all written perfectly, that would be never. There's so much to say so I might as well get started. Changed relationships. Sigh... I had no idea my experience with infertility was going to change every single one of my relationships. In retrospect, I understand that you don't go through trauma and emerge the same person, so of course it seems obvious to me now that all of my relationships would change. But for years, while I was going through it, I was so hurt and confused. And lonely. Very, very lonely. Not only was I grieving the loss of a dream every month, but I was grieving the loss of my relationships as I knew them. It's easy to be friends with someone when they live or work nearby, when their life is going well and they have lots of warmth and energy to give, when they are asking nothing from you in return, and when they are ...

In an effort to work toward a new career, I've gone back to school. (more on that another day) Today I was sitting in a meeting where someone was informing us about some upcoming program requirements. The woman was emphasizing how important it is to not make any plans that would interfere with these requirements. You see where this is going? Yep... The program is female-heavy.  Out of 42 in the class, only 6 are male.  The presenter was saying not to plan any weddings or start a family during this one particular crucial window of the program. She looked out at us students and said, "Well, that doesn't apply to everyone. Not everyone in this room can get pregnant." And everyone laughed. Except me. Instead of laughing I thought to myself, "No, there are at least 7 people in this room who cannot get pregnant." It didn't make me sad. After so many years, I think I'm tired of being sad. Numb to it. For that I am thankful. But the infertility is always the...

I think if I waited until I had my thoughts perfectly collected and perfectly articulated I would never post, so I think I'll just jump in and write.  So there probably won't be any grand organization to this blog, just a collection of thoughts that reflect what's on my mind on any given day.  Hopefully the blog will get better over time, as I learn how to insert tags and links, but, hey, no promises! :) First and foremost, I want to give a HUGE thank you to all of the bloggers that have been writing for years.  There are several blogs that I have read from start to finish, and there are many blogs that I check almost daily to satiate my craving for connection and understanding.  They have all contributed to my healing and to my ability to keep moving forward, no matter how slowly I was crawling in the beginning. Infertility devastated me.  It was tragic and traumatizing.  My whole life dream was to be a mom. Nearly every decision I made in my life was made...

Hello!  Welcome to my blog.  This is my first blog and I don't know what I'm doing (yet?), but I figure I should just go ahead and start where I am.  For the last year and a half I've been reading other people's blogs and I kind of want to join the conversation.  I kind of don't because being on the internet makes me nervous.  But I kind of want to overcome that because I would really like to have a community.  You know, a group of people that understand my perspective without me having to explain things that are so fundamental to my experience as a woman without kids living life after infertility.  So here I am.  Hello and welcome!  -Lucia