Identifying as Infertile

When I started this blog, I thought about whether or not I wanted to use the word "infertile" in the name or title. Am I really healing if I keep calling myself infertile? Am I moving forward or picking at the same old wound? Is being infertile central to my identity? How do I truly see myself?

But, I wanted to write a blog about living life after infertility and I liked the mythology of the phoenix rising from the ashes so "Infertile Phoenix" just seemed to capture what I was going for.

I mean, it's not like I walk around in my daily life with a scarlet "I" on my chest.

Even though I chose to disclose my infertility with classmates two different times last week, today I chose not to do so. I came to a big decision over the weekend: I decided I want to graduate from this program, not drop out at the end of the semester. I had previously shared my ambivalence with a professor so today I said, "I have some big news!" And she immediately, joyfully exclaimed, "You're pregnant!" That could have been a perfect opening to share, "No, I'm infertile," but in the moment I chose not to. Instead I said, "No, I decided I want to graduate from the program." And she was equally excited by this news as she was by her first guess.

So I don't always share my infertility. It's not my central identity, not to myself and not to the outside world. For a long time, it DID feel like my central identity for myself, but that's why I'm rebuilding my life with new hopes and dreams.

There is more to me than being infertile. However, it is a part of me. My experience with infertility profoundly changed me and changed how I see the world.

Being infertile will be central to this blog, but it is not central to my existence. I am much more than that.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Initial New Year Thoughts

Hello and Happy and Healthy New Year! Let's jump back into the blog. I don't want to reflect on last year too much; it was pretty much just school anyway. Some concerts, a couple of trips when on break, a lot of good meals and quality time spent with my husband. Well damn, even though 2017 was pretty rough on a global scale, 2017 was an improvement in my life.  And now we're five days into 2018 and here are my current thoughts: I do not regret skipping the family holiday celebration for the 2nd year in a row. I am thankful that my sisters and my aunt and uncle traveled to where I live so I got to see them. So, I didn't see everyone all together and I didn't see any of my cousins, but I did get to celebrate with family this year. I really appreciate it. Part of the reason I skipped was due to infertility. I felt like I needed another year, one more year to be more into my new life before I'm around my cousins' adorable kids again. Mostly, I skipped because I ...
Read more

When I Decided to Try Treatment

Ahhhh... A moment to breathe! That was one busy week. Busy is good these days though so I'm not complaining. :) *** Ever since I wrote last week about an acquaintance going through fertility treatment, I've had treatment on my mind. So maybe I'll write a few posts about my experience. First, how did I decide to try fertility treatment? Well, my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for two years. I tried to be patient that first year, even though things seemed to be perfectly timed every month and every month it didn't happen. I always thought I'd try for a year and then move on to medical assistance. However, after that first year, I did not proceed directly to the doctor's office. I was mad. And sad. And scared. And annoyed. And figured I just needed to be more patient, that it would eventually happen. I was hanging out with a very good friend one day when she asked me directly why I hadn't been to the doctor yet. I shared that we had all the basic...
Read more

Plot Twist: I Don't Like To Travel

I am one week post-final exams and I am just barely starting to feel human again. It's so weird how exhaustion affects me as I've gotten older. Now it can make me feel hungover when I haven't even had a beer. Dizzy, nauseous, unclear thinking, everything is harder than it should be. Weird. So here I am, sitting in my PJs, feeling thankful for this time to recuperate. ***** One of the most common things people say when they learn I don't have kids is, "Oh, you get to travel!" And this statement annoys the crap out of me. First of all, are they paying? Because as far as I know traveling costs money. Even bare bones traveling, you still gotta eat and sleep somewhere. Secondly, just because I don't have kids doesn't mean I don't have a schedule I have to keep. I have two weeks of vacation just like everyone else. Well, at least I will when I get a job after I graduate. But even for now, I have classes to go to and assignments to complete. My life is no...
Read more