clair072

I'm running late this morning, so of course I'm going to sit down and jot down a quick post. Hahaha. :) It's still so weird to me that I don't have a kid. It seems like almost everyone my age has one, and I always assumed and planned that I would have at least one. And I don't have any. And, even though I've never had any children in my life, it just seems weird. Almost like something is missing. Even though my life is full. I'm one of those women that feels like I was born to be a mother. Now I am channeling that energy into other avenues and hope to make a difference in the children's lives whom I will work with in the future. But it's weird to feel like someone's missing when they were never there in the first place.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I love a day that celebrates gratitude, loved ones, relaxation, and food. This year will be my smallest gathering yet- just me, my husband, and my mother-in-law, but I am looking forward to it so much!! I am still drowning in school work so I don't have time to make the big traditional meal this year. Instead we are going to a fancy restaurant that is special to all of us. There will be a big holiday buffet with lots of different food stations: omelets, breakfast, seafood, sushi, salad, turkey and dressing, crepes, desserts, mimosas, and a Bloody Mary cart. I am just so dang thankful. I have food in my belly, a roof over my head, and loved ones to share my life with. I have my husband, my dog, my school program, and my new dreams. I have my health, and I have a new energy and inspiration toward life. I don't take any of it for granted for a second! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

Going through fertility treatments felt like a full time job. So many appointments. So many procedures. It took up so much time. It was the main thing that was going on in my life and I didn't want to talk about it with anyone. (Later, when nothing worked, I would be thankful that I didn't tell everyone because that meant I didn't have to go back and tell a bunch of people I wasn't pregnant.) It was so expensive and so stressful and I was so sad and mad and scared. It really sucked. And I think I had the rare positive experience with my RE. I remember going in for one of my IUIs. I was waiting for the elevator and when the door opened, my doctor walked out. No one else was in the hallway and she happily exclaimed, "Good luck!" (The nurse was going to do the procedure, not my doctor.) I remember being so surprised that she remembered me. I said, "You know who I am?" And she seemed surprised. She said, "Of course I know who you are," and she ...

I knew which fertility clinic to call because I had already looked up the ones in my area and chosen which one I liked best. I looked at SART information, considered the location with regard to traffic patterns, and explored whether or not the clinics were affiliated with other clinics or a bigger system. Fortunately, the one closest to me had the best data and was affiliated with a nationally known, high quality fertility clinic. At least I had all that going for me... I had already been to my gynecologist several times. When we decided to start trying, I went and saw her for a preconception checkup. After we had been trying for six months, she did my HSG. Then when things still weren't happening, she did some bloodwork and checked all of my hormones. That's when I learned my AMH was low and I had a diminished ovarian reserve (DOR). Honestly, the day I got those results was probably the hardest day throughout the whole process. This may sound weird, but I've always worried...

Ahhhh... A moment to breathe! That was one busy week. Busy is good these days though so I'm not complaining. :) *** Ever since I wrote last week about an acquaintance going through fertility treatment, I've had treatment on my mind. So maybe I'll write a few posts about my experience. First, how did I decide to try fertility treatment? Well, my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for two years. I tried to be patient that first year, even though things seemed to be perfectly timed every month and every month it didn't happen. I always thought I'd try for a year and then move on to medical assistance. However, after that first year, I did not proceed directly to the doctor's office. I was mad. And sad. And scared. And annoyed. And figured I just needed to be more patient, that it would eventually happen. I was hanging out with a very good friend one day when she asked me directly why I hadn't been to the doctor yet. I shared that we had all the basic...

I'm so busy this week with tests, assignments, and projects for school. I'm so tired I think I could go to bed and wake up in 2017. But with each passing week, I get more committed to school and my new profession. I am really excited to be creating a new life! Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other people's. -Anais Nin

How do I respond when someone I know is going through fertility treatments? It feels kind of awkward. On one hand I want to say, "Good luck!" but on the other hand I don't want to be the reminder that sometimes (or, as we all know- often) it doesn't work out. A wife of one of my husband's good friends is going through treatment right now. She posted about it on facebook and asked for prayers. The comments were hard for me to read. They ranged from "You got this! You deserve it!" to " God is good. He will bless your family." to "I know it's hard but it is worth it. Having children is the most rewarding thing in life." And I have... Lots of thoughts about all of those comments. But I will keep those thoughts to myself, not share them with my friend obviously. But I think people have the misconception that fertility treatments work. Often, if not all the time. And we know that they work... Rarely. So I would like to support her, but ...

I always planned on having children. From the time I was a kid, I dreamed about being a mom. But I also wanted some time to myself, time in between college and having children. Just as much as I dreamed about having children, I dreamed of having my own apartment. No roommates, no boyfriend, no husband. I thought that would be the coolest thing. (And it was!) I keep a planner. An old fashioned, paper and pencil planner. My family makes fun of me for this. They think I am too rigid and dorky. I just like to write stuff down so I don't have to remember it. Plus, you can only do so much in a day so having a planner helps me to not overschedule myself. Once several things have been written down for one day, I know that day is full. So I planned on having children. I enjoyed my single years and all the friends and jobs and boyfriends and parties and trips that came with it. I will always be thankful for that time period in my life. I enjoyed dating my husband. I enjoyed getting married. ...

My best friend from college had her baby this week. Of course I am happy for her. And of course it's complicated. Of course it brings up sadness for me for myself. As soon as I think I'm fine with my lot in life, I am reminded that I'm not. Or, at least, I'm not as okay with it as I thought I was. It's weird. Do I *really* want a newborn right now? Yes. And no. I think about it and I go back and forth. I guess that's a waste of my time because my fertility obviously isn't up to me. But I wonder how I truly feel and what thoughts have become a self-protective mechanism. Recently I've been telling my husband that I wanted it to happen THEN, but I don't really want it to happen NOW. But then a week like this comes along and I think, well, what do I want? Again, though, it's not up to me. Although I will share with you all that we are using contraception. That feels so weird to say. One, because it's so personal and I just put it on the internet....

Thank you for reading! I have been blogging for a month now, and I'm really thankful for everyone who has stopped by and made time to read what I have written. It is invaluable to be heard and understood, especially without explanation. I hope my blog has helped someone as much as it has helped me. I didn't realize I had so much to say! Hahaha. For the past six months I've felt like I've been healing and I thought that was it. I think I am healing but part of that is now I want to share what I've been thinking to myself for so many years. Thank you for the community and the camaraderie. I appreciate every reader, blogger, and comment. I look forward to more reading and writing.