Plans

I always planned on having children. From the time I was a kid, I dreamed about being a mom. But I also wanted some time to myself, time in between college and having children. Just as much as I dreamed about having children, I dreamed of having my own apartment. No roommates, no boyfriend, no husband. I thought that would be the coolest thing. (And it was!)

I keep a planner. An old fashioned, paper and pencil planner. My family makes fun of me for this. They think I am too rigid and dorky. I just like to write stuff down so I don't have to remember it. Plus, you can only do so much in a day so having a planner helps me to not overschedule myself. Once several things have been written down for one day, I know that day is full.

So I planned on having children. I enjoyed my single years and all the friends and jobs and boyfriends and parties and trips that came with it. I will always be thankful for that time period in my life. I enjoyed dating my husband. I enjoyed getting married. I enjoyed being married. Then we started trying to conceive. And you know how that goes... Not so fun after so much time passes.

I was sad I couldn't get pregnant. One of my sisters said rather rudely to me, "Well you can't plan everything in life." This is the same sister that told me, "You can't have everything." (I'll try to spread out the gems she's shared with me over the years in lots of different posts. They are all zingers on their own and all at once they would add up to a mountain of hurt.)

But why couldn't I plan to get pregnant? What's wrong with that? I was patient and tried for many years. It's not like I had a specific season, month, or date that it had to happen on. I didn't have a preference on gender. I just wanted to get pregnant and have a baby. Like everybody else.

What fault did my sister find in my plan? When she wanted to have a baby, she did. When our other sister wanted to have a baby, she did. When our cousins wanted to have a baby, they did. What was wrong with me planning to have one?

Well, I'm working on other plans now. Something will work out. If something happens and I don't end up graduating from my school program, it won't be the first time I spent time and money on something without receiving the desired outcome. But I will keep trying.

And ultimately I will create a new life for myself. I know plans don't always work out, but I am glad to be looking toward the future.

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