Tears out of Nowhere

I cried yesterday. I didn't know it was coming. I didn't even know I was sad. I was just telling my husband about my day and all of a sudden the holidays and babies and family stuff hit me out of seemingly nowhere. I found myself telling him, "I'm back interacting in the world again. And I have to deal with other people's pregnancies. And other people's constant talk about their children. And it's hard. And it just sucks. And it's not fair."

The next thing I knew I was crying. And I thought I was doing so well. But I am doing so well. This is all just a part of it.

Every holiday season gets a little bit easier. I tried everything I wanted to try to try and get pregnant. Last holiday season was my first year knowing that I probably wouldn't be having children in this lifetime, so I thought this holiday season would be easy. But it's not. Because life goes on. My cousin's kids, who are the same age that mine would have been, are growing up. Another cousin is pregnant. The next generation is here and growing up and it will always be a bit of a reminder of what I don't have.

It's so important to be kind to ourselves. We experience life in a totally different way than fertile people do. I stopped expecting people to understand my reality a long time ago. Now I just do what I need to do to take care of myself.

I'm thinking of everyone this month. People dealing with infertility, people living life after infertility, people going through the holiday season after experiencing a profound loss... It's not easy, but we are not alone.