clair072

It's hard to let go of a lifelong dream, especially one that is so biologically and culturally ingrained. A dream that is so primal. A dream that others cannot let go of for you either. A dream where there feels like there is no room for the alternative in society. Not have kids? What? I remember being a little girl and my mother telling me that people who don't have kids are weird. I doubt she even remembers saying this, but I remember it stung even though I was only 8 or 9 years old. I immediately thought, but what about all the people who can't have children? Or whose children have passed away? I was born an old soul and my little elementary school heart ached for the people who would be hurt by my mother's thoughtless comment. But here I am, alive and kicking, without my children. I still think about them every day. Even though they never existed in the physical form on this planet. I've noticed recently that one of the hardest things for me is pictures of mothe...

It has been awhile since anyone has said anything rude or insensitive to me about not having children, but I have a feeling some comments are headed my way... First of all, I am in a new lab section this semester, and my new section has three people in it that have babies at home. Considering I am one of the oldest people in the program and I don't have kids, I am anticipating some sort of question soon. Second of all, one of my new professors' first impression on me was not good. I believe she may be what I call "an insufferable fertile." During our first class meeting, she was discussing all of the different clinical settings she has worked in, but she was very adamant about having never worked in pediatrics. She said, with a touch of disgust in her voice, "I have my OWN kids. I don't NEED to work in pediatrics." Ouch. To his credit, my new school friend (the 24 year old dude with the baby) immediately turned to me and rolled his eyes. Today I heard fr...

Hello! I feel like it's been so long since I've written. I'm feeling a bit rusty... I got knocked down with a nasty cold and was out of commission in life for awhile. Not exactly how I wanted to start the semester but that's the way it goes sometimes... I've been catching up with reading everyone else's posts and I continue to be so grateful for this community. ***** Why I'm Blogging 1. It helps me with my recovery. Recovery from infertility is a very real thing and a very long, if not lifelong, process. After waiting around for a couple of years for a loved one, or anyone, to reach out to me and help me, I finally realized no one was coming. Furthermore, no one could do it for me. I had to figure out for myself what I was going to do. Thankfully, I had the support of my husband. But as someone who always relied heavily on girlfriends, I was still very lonely. Writing here helps me figure out what I'm thinking and feeling. It gives me a place to vent, wh...

My textbooks for next semester came in the mail! They are technical and profession-specific and I am really excited! I wonder how long the excitement will last once I have tests and due dates hahaha. I texted several different friends from school. They are all at least ten years younger than me. None of them are excited. They are all just fine with being on break. But I don't need any more break. I need to get on with my life! :)

Days like this remind me of why I went back to school. I'm still on winter break in between the fall and spring semesters. The first week I basically just slept. The second week I got to see some family that came in town. The third week I had lunches with friends I hadn't seen in several months. And now... I am bored. And it's not a good kind of boredom either. It's the questioning-my-life-decisions kind of boredom until I remember, oh yeah, I'm going back to school soon... Good!! I'm sleeping too much and eating too little. My husband and my friends have gone back to work. I'm home all day and it reminds me of all my long and lonely days in 2012 - 2015. I've organized my study area so I'm prepared for the onslaught of my new classes when they begin, but I'm having a hard time finding any motivation or energy to get anything else done. I could very easily slip back into a depressive state, but I am fighting it. Plus, I know that I only have a wee...

Leave it to a satire site to hit the nail on the head... I was scrolling through my newsfeed the other day and one of my friends liked a satirical article that had the perfect sentence: "It's almost as if this very complicated part of my life causes me to have more than one feeling." Well, that's incredibly accurate. Hahaha. I don't remember what the article was about; it wasn't infertility, but that sentence stood out to me so much that I wrote it down to write about later. *** For years all I felt was sadness and devastation. What do you mean I wasn't going to have kids?? The future I had envisioned and planned for my entire life wasn't happening. Now what? I was so so sad, so depressed, so traumatized, and so depleted but cognizant enough to realize that I was missing out on the life I DID have. I didn't want to live like that, but I didn't know how to change it. Well... I realized I didn't even like my neighborhood. We only moved there ...

I've had a weird feeling all day. Two years ago today was my first embryo transfer. I remember being very excited about the new year and hopeful that I would be a mom. I would go on to do a second IVF before realizing I had come to my personal end and had to change my life. So I got the ball rolling in 2015, but 2016 is where I really put in the hard work. Now that it's officially over, I can look back at what all I did in the past year. Packed up or gave away everything we owned in an effort to downsize. Moved into a rental place half the square footage of our old house. Coordinated all the repainting, recarpeting, and repairs on the old house. Took one more prerequisite course for my school program. Put the old house on the market. Sold the old house (thankfully). Unpacked at the rental property (finally). Dog was diagnosed with cancer in August. Given 3 - 4 months to live. Registered for classes, bought books, etc. to get ready for school. Started school. Hated school. Start...