clair072

I have been loving these past couple of weeks, meeting up with friends I hadn't seen since I started school in the fall. It's been great to see everyone and catch up. Two of the people my husband and I met up with were the couple that I posted about previously, the ones going through fertility treatment. Although she's been open on social media, I did not know the details. Well, in just a few words I was able to figure out exactly their situation. They've already had retrieval, did genetic testing, and have three fertilized embryos to transfer. (Even though the husband is one of my husband's best friends, they never knew what all we did. I had only previously shared with the wife that we had tried some things if she needed someone to listen who had actually been through it. Despite having this blog and putting my most private thoughts and feelings on the internet, my husband and I are actually extremely private people.) Anyway, since she had been open on social medi...

I really love the space in between Christmas and New Year's. I feel like the world finally slows down, if only for just a little bit. I normally don't like the spaces in between. I hate commuting. I'm actually not very fond of traveling. I just want to be there, wherever I am. Home, work, vacation. I want to be there. Not getting there. I didn't really like being engaged either. I mean, it was fine. But I liked both dating and being married more than being engaged. Being engaged was just an intermediary stage. Even though everything is temporary, including our destinations, the spaces in between have just never been my favorite. Of course my least favorite "in between space" that I've ever felt was trying to conceive. Not a mom and not even pregnant, I hated the space in between being a newlywed and becoming a family with children. All the waiting, waiting, waiting while I wasn't even looking forward to being pregnant. Pregnancy was just something I wa...

So I was wondering if people stopped reading or just stopped commenting since my blog hadn't received any comments in over a month... And then today I found where everyone's comments are awaiting moderation! Hahaha. I'm telling you, technology is not my strength. If I could, I'd insert the crying laughing emoji here. I will now enjoy reading through and replying to everyone's comments from the last month. Sorry for my confusion hahaha. Happy fRidAy everyone!!!

This holiday season has been very different. I remember after last year's Christmas I was just going to skip the whole thing this year and take a beach vacation with my husband. Well, unfortunately, the beach trip didn't happen, but I've still done things very differently and I've enjoyed the changes. It started with Thanksgiving. Actually, it started with a cousin's wife getting pregnant in their first month of marriage. We had just started celebrating Thanksgiving with this side of the family at my mom's house in the last 5 or so years. As soon as I heard she was pregnant and as I remembered how she was while planning her wedding (very nice but very self-involved), I knew I wanted no part of her pregnancy. So I decided back in the fall that I was going to give myself the gift of a pregnancy- and baby-free holiday season this year. And can you believe it? I am succeeding! So, Thanksgiving was easy to skip because it was out of town and I couldn't travel bec...

I always seem to forget that grief isn't linear. I was feeling pretty good about a lot of things for several months, and that was pretty cool. But I've really been missing my children these last couple of weeks. Some things you don't get over; you just get through. ****** In other news, I finished my first semester of school! I started getting really into it at the end haha. Then I totally ran out of steam and just did the best I could to get through finals. And now I'm done. And I'm pretty sure I passed!!! I almost can't believe it. I honestly didn't believe I could do it. I thought the material was too much, too hard, not the kind of stuff that comes easily for me. And it was too much, too hard, and not the kind of stuff that comes easily for me hahaha, but I just kept getting up every day and doing it. I thought, what else am I going to do? Might as well do this. And I did. And I'm glad. And I feel good about it.

I cried yesterday. I didn't know it was coming. I didn't even know I was sad. I was just telling my husband about my day and all of a sudden the holidays and babies and family stuff hit me out of seemingly nowhere. I found myself telling him, "I'm back interacting in the world again. And I have to deal with other people's pregnancies. And other people's constant talk about their children. And it's hard. And it just sucks. And it's not fair." The next thing I knew I was crying. And I thought I was doing so well. But I am doing so well. This is all just a part of it. Every holiday season gets a little bit easier. I tried everything I wanted to try to try and get pregnant. Last holiday season was my first year knowing that I probably wouldn't be having children in this lifetime, so I thought this holiday season would be easy. But it's not. Because life goes on. My cousin's kids, who are the same age that mine would have been, are growing u...

Well, the semester is coming to a close. I have a couple of projects and then final exams left. As I've shared, the whole thing has been much more difficult than I anticipated it to be. I honestly could not picture myself making it this far, but here I am. Then again, that last sentence could be used to describe my experience with infertility also. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions throughout this semester. I felt overwhelmed academically and I am still grieving the loss of my children. It was so hard to get up every day and go through the motions. But it wouldn't have been any easier to stay in bed all day either. For the first time in years, I was around people who weren't my doctors and nurses at the fertility clinic and I had important due dates and deadlines that had nothing to do with ultrasounds and egg retrieval. I had to wear pants and a bra for longer than a couple of hours at a time. I had to be engaged in the outside world. And you know what's...